Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
