Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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