shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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