I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is my gift to your gina
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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