Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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