As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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