you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
