I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
