Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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