Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
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