You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
