sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
