I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
