you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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