I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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