just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
