So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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