Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
