I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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