Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i now understand why vodka
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
