you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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