Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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