If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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