I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone