just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.