I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
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To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.