i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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