so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
