it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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