PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
