I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
