i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
