Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
