from now on my penis is your penis
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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