I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
