I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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