All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just invented taco cereal.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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