smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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