I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
