you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
