Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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