I accidentally had phone sex last night
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
