I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
