I love black thongs
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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