i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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