wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
