And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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