His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
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I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
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I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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