It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
even my farts smell like vagina
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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