did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my sisters under your porch take her home
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
don't judge my taste in strippers
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
