If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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