I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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