I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
