Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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