Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
